A delicate space between Sex and God
Terrorized by the sun, a lover of gossip, a new hobby, a struggle with faith
Sometimes, I wake up craving the feeling of a cold, slimy face mask on my skin; It’s soothing. When I don’t have a face mask to make this vision come to life, I let the moment pass and I go to the next thing that is calling me.
Naturally, it is the sun.
Texas is interesting because you want to be outside but it feels impossible as the sun rays here are terrorizing. The heat strikes down like fire does during the process of softening metals, except the heat does not always soften me. It makes me frustrated as I search for relief under a tree or a slight breeze but sometimes there is none to be found.
I have question: Where have all the trees gone?
One thing that I don’t necessarily enjoy about Dallas is the lack of trees. There is always construction. They are always building something. Whether they are working on the interstates that double as obnoxious rollercoaster for cars, or developing a field of grass that did not want to be touched. A new Starbucks here, new tech building there. Oh, and don’t forget the new subdivision that only people of a certain financial class can afford.
This is life, this is 2024.
Sometimes I spend my time complaining about it all because a healthy dosage of it is good for expression purposes, but mostly I do what I can to make living worth it. I contribute to collective transformation by transforming myself. I attune to what fuels me, even if it is less productive, like lounging around on the sofa giving my body permission to regenerate without my manipulation.
Regardless, I am more tolerant of the heat than my partner is. Any time I bring my laptop outside with me, I stay for hours. He usually checks on me with a band of noise to follow. He never fails to makes his entrances loud as he peeks his head out the door.
“You okay?” he ask. Then suddenly, it’s as if he is repulsed by the heat.
“Ugh, sometimes I forget that it is so hot in the world”. The interaction last for 10 seconds, then he goes inside to air conditioned safety.
Why do people act like certain topics, like sex, money, and religion, should be avoided? It seems similar to how people pretend they don’t gossip. In fact, there is so much to gossip about —after all, we live on planet Earth.
Since the beginning of time we’ve gossiped —over tea and scones if you were rich, and while doing someone else’s chores if you were a slave. It’s the reason the TV show Bridgeton was a hit. People love drama, and enjoy whispering about it. We have a track record of it; We’ve just evolved our methods…mostly.
My friend and I gossiped about people who are overly materialistic—the ones who try to act humble, but it’s obvious they want you to know what they have. You know, the ones who post POVs with their Hermès bag showing in the background or who make a big purchase and act as if it’s a privilege that you, as the viewers, get to see it.
When it comes to cackling with my closet friends, I am definitely not above it.
This is how I know I’m a reckless gossiper: my favorite signs to gossip with are air signs. They can’t contain the wind.
I’ve learned that If you gossip amongst close friends all is well. Even the occasional gossip with a stranger in passing is approved too but gossiping with the wrong person can get you burned at the stake. Don’t listen to me though; what do I know? They say that gossiping is a sin.
These days doing what I love feels effortless. It’s far less extravagant than I once imagined. Turns out, you don’t have to always be in this far far away land on vacation to cultivate the feeling of satisfaction. I started a new hobby to give my relentless mind something to do. We enjoy it.
Every Wednesday 3 hours and 30 minutes are dedicated to this new interest. Once I step into the craft studio, I am just another person learning metal fabrication, like everyone else. Nothing more, nothing less.
My problems cannot reach me here.
The instructor is everything a teacher should be: knowledgable about the subject and enthusiastic about sharing her joy. She encourages us to be patient in developing our skills but to have fun while doing it.
When I am in the zone with this new hobby, the feeling that sweeps over me is similar to the ecstasy experienced during sex —where everything else fades away, and only the moment at hand matters.
I have 99 problems, and waking up everyday isn’t one. Each day, I wake up with another chance at life. That has to mean something, right? Or maybe it just means that death, the inevitable, simply hasn’t found me yet.
“Sometimes I don’t know who I’m praying to,” I blurted out to my partner casually as we relaxed on the sofa.
I, like most people, simply struggle with faith.
When I read bible verses I take myself out of the picture in order to focus on the story. I believe in the concept of God but I’m still trying to understand the Jesus figure.
My real problem is that I believe in the fullness of life, but in August, this feeling has escaped me more than it has stayed. One week, I’m enthralled by life’s mysteries.
I have faith.
The next week (or two) I disconnect and just go through the motions.
Doubt becomes my friend.
When melancholy sweeps over me, the concept of God does feels like a life raft, but sometimes it’s hard to see light at the end of the tunnel.
Perhaps faith is nothing without doubt.
Anywho, Did I mention that there is sex and there is God and life is happening somewhere in the middle?
🌀Reflection Portal:
No contemplation question this time but I do I invite you to write a story about your summer. You can submit them anonymously by clicking this link, I hope you decide to write something :)
🎵Listening to:
📚Reading:
Still Born by Guadalupe Nettel
Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh
always check your local library for books :)
🕸Feeling: I feel blessed and content.
If you enjoyed reading childlike and would like to support you can purchase the Adulting but Make it Childlike Tote. My inner child celebrates you🥳
Happy Virgo Season🌱
With love,
Tiana
💌Feeling like you need a push in a new direction in your life? Read my previous post. It’s full of transparency.