When life made a mess out of me

it was alignment

“For how could I truly dance with life if I only allowed half of it in?”

-Christy Dawn

At the hands of change something always suffers, or perhaps takes an entirely new form. I haven’t been able to write anything which is funny considering everything.

I got fired from my job of six years. It was 19 days after my 28th birthday. My illusion of stability splattered on the concrete like a not so sunny side up egg roasting in the summer.

crying on camera is humbling because you see yourself for what you really are, a human who is always in a restless cycle of figuring it out.

Months prior I remember feeling completely exhausted. I was fatigue and emotionally unwell. I cried to my partner about how I’ve been working since I was a teenager and it feels like theres no end. The restlessness of consecutive air travel finally caught up to my body. I sensed that the timeline was coming to an end but I overstayed my welcome out of comfortability.

I kept flipping the hourglass over, stalling so the sand wouldn’t run out.

“We’ve decided to continue with separation at this time.”

“Okay, have a great day.” I said.

pictured sourced from pintrest

I hung up the phone and laughed hysterically like the mad woman I am.

“FREE AT LAST!” I yelled out throwing my hands up. In that moment, feeling happiness seemed wrong so I checked my pulse to make sure I wasn’t denying myself the sadness that I should be feeling. Nope, the body was relaxed, the heart was at ease. I had become an empty billboard, anything was possible.

It’s easy to feel trapped even when the doorway out is right in front of you. In my conditioned head I’ve only ever seen people stress after losing a job and can you blame them? Especially now, the economy is shit. During a phone call with my dad, I expressed how I would eventually be leaving my job and he questioned If I had something lined up. I replied “nope” and truthfully didn’t care to.

I had been seeking permission to trust my gifts more, It didn’t appear to me in glitter as I imagined but getting fired was necessary for where I was going. For how could I get to the next stop in my journey if I was holding onto something I had outgrown.

I am blessed to have support during this time but I can’t avoid reality and what I’ve had to internally confront within myself along the way.

My self-esteem was attached to how I made money. All my beliefs around value and worth were entangled. I was challenged to be honest about what I believe is possible in this life.

I learned that when I feel like I have nothing, it’s often because I’ve spent too much time scrolling, taking in snippets of other people’s lives, which disconnects me from having gratitude for my own. When I am seeking what it feels like to have everything is when I create purely for the sake of creating. There’s an appreciation that I experience about my existence when I am doing something because I want to, not out of necessity for survival. It’s when life is so sweet to me as I spend time with loved ones. It’s when I create my own adventures even when my mind tries to shame me for having fun.

“I need to do something with my life.”

“I’m not doing enough.”

“I have nothing to show for where I’ve been.”

“Stay inside.”

Here is some of the sweetness life gave me right before I hiked up Sun Mountain trail in Santa Fe, New Mexico for the first time. This is my proof that I am on my journey in a way that’s meant for me.

As always I take every situation to learn more about myself, my thoughts, feelings and experiences. I am learning to recognize the difference between the stories in my head that enrich my life and the ones that try to discourage me. I am widening the embrace, honoring parts of my past, and appreciating the journey toward the future.

I could not have had all my life experiences so far if I had held on onto just one version of myself. Our multi-dimensionality is what makes us divine”

-Jasmine Nnenna

There is no failure in this life just refinement. Keep refining what it means to be you and don’t let the labyrinth of life dissuade you. Be childlike in your belief that anything is possible because when life made a mess out of me, it was alignment.

so excited to share with you guys that I created a Signature tote bag Adulting but make it childlike If you feel called to embrace your inner child more, here’s the link to purchase yours.

On Sunday July 14th I’ll be facilitating a workshop I Expand: Bridging the gap between where you are and where you want to be. My heart has been yearning to facilitate this. It’s my belief that people are constantly seeking intentional change in their lives but don’t always know how to make that happen. This workshop will be a safe space to inquire about yourself with other free spirited radical beings. You will be answering all the right questions to get clear on concrete steps for yourself. Tickets are $11.11 USD. Tap the workshop name for more details. With open arms, I hope to see you there!! Reach out to me if you have any questions inflowwithtiana@gmail.com

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🌀Reflection Portal:

here’s what I’ve been up to so far this summer, digital collaging

Art by @peathefeary her work bridges many of my hanging thoughts

contemplate these questions:

Who am I beyond a job?

How can I show appreciation for where I am now while I journey to where I want to be?

What am I open to receive in this next chapter of my life?

🎵Listening to:

Dreams by Solange

Red Room by Hiatus Kaiyote

📚Reading: The Retreat Wellness Newspaper Issue No. 13

Ask and It Is Given Learning to Manifest Your Desires by Esther and Jerry Hicks

always check your local library for books :)

🕸Feeling: Whatever emotion the moment calls for because feeling is necessary.

Happy Cancer Season✨

With love, Tiana

Settle into my previous post, it’s grounding💌