When things feel uncertain

get rid of everything very slowly

Image sourced from pinterest.

When things feel uncertain just get rid of everything very slowly. That’s what I’ve been learning how to do.

Since the start of spring, I’ve been gradually cleaning out my place room by room. The thought of tackling it all at once feels draining so I didn’t do it all at once. I floated around to the rooms that called out my name the most. I was avoiding a specific room in my house for quite some time. In the same way, you avoid someone you don’t want to see in public by pretending you don’t see them. The problem is, I saw it loud and clear. I tried to avoid the heaps of clothes piling up since I did not want to deal with them— or rather myself.

It was my closet and I was holding onto things I could no longer fit. I eventually filtered out the clothes that didn’t fit me with honest eyes and a heavy heart. I said my goodbyes and the clothes now sit in a 30-pound trash bag waiting for me to make them disappear forever.

Clothes are our chosen skin. It’s how we express ourselves. A good outfit can change everything for the better. I’ve never been the type to buy new clothes every month. I prefer my clothes to be old and lived in, as a result, I tend to keep clothes for years and years on end. My body has changed compared to previous years. The weight that I’ve put on, although not obvious to the outsider looking in, is obvious to me. My hips and waist are wider, my head rounder, my arms are thicker and that’s fine by me. These encompass all the side effects of change and maturation. I found temporary satisfaction in the tidiness of my closet, as organized and neat spaces can evoke a sense of pleasure for me. However, it became evident that organization alone did not address the underlying issue.

I am clinging to a version of myself that is steadily vanishing.

I am deeply uncomfortable confronting this. Everything about who I am feels foreign at this time. I’ve been selecting outfits that align with this evolving version of myself, but aside from that, getting dressed hasn’t been an enjoyable task like it used to be. I know I will have to go through my closet again to get rid of more things. As my hair grows longer, I find myself increasingly conflicted when I look in the mirror. While long hair is often considered desirable, it doesn’t feel that way to me. I’ve always preferred short hair. Consequently, I opt to keep my hair pinned up at the back or to the side until I decide on my next hairstyle. I’m not ready to cut my locs just yet.

Letting go isn’t my strong suit, but significant progress is being made. There’s a liberating feeling that comes with creating space. It’s all apart of a process that I’m learning to have confidence in. Each day I grant myself a fresh start and visualize the blossoming that will follow the pruning at the end of spring.

At this uncertain stage of my life, I’ve been enjoying simplicity and comfort. If the clothing does not provide that then I am not wearing it.

So I went to the nail salon a few weeks ago and I saw an old friend. Unlike my closet, I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t see her. So I anxiously waited until she entered the nail salon to say hey. We exchanged pleasantries of “Hey” and then I remembered it was her birthday week.

“Your birthday is approaching”

“Yep, this Sunday” She continued to confirm the actual date.

Then everything resumed as it should. It was awkward but I sat inside of that awkwardness. The friendship faded without any obvious cause, except for our lack of effort in maintaining it. Despite that, no love lost. Normally, I’d attempt to compensate for lost time by suggesting a lunch catch-up or some shit, but this time I felt no inclination to do so. When it comes to old matters like this (people matters), I’m grateful that I initiated a different response.

How to…….

How to get rid of things very slowly

1. BE honest, like very.

2. take all the time you need even after you’ve gained knowledge of what needs to go (this is the hardest part because once you know it can be hard to be ignorant to it)

3. appreciate everything

4. loosen the grip slowly

5. go back to step 2

6. envision all the new things that are trying to reach you

7. take the leap, let go when you’re ready

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🌀Reflection Portal:

image sourced from pinterest.

Contemplation this question:

What am I trying to accomplish by holding onto the past or things that aren’t working out so tightly?

🎵Listening to: Think You Know Me (Intro) by Pip Millet

Je susi au jardin by Oksvsho

Spiral Deeper with Gaby Azorsky

📚Reading: Wintering The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May

I finished I know Why the Caged Birds Sing by Maya Angelo and I will share my thoughts on that book eventually, you can find it here

🕸Feeling: Everything.

Happy New Moon in Taurus🌱

Talk Soon,

Tiana

Get a taste of my previous post, it’s worth the read💗