Take me as I am or have nothing at all
My favorite identity, The Final Performance, sock privilege, then there's death, show me the contract
The only identity I’ve ever been certain about in my entire life is my identity as a writer. That’s of course, after I got over the “well I can’t call myself a writer because I haven’t published anything, I’m not known” phase. In all honesty, does having an audience make you any more legit? sure but the lack thereof shouldn’t discourage anyone from saying otherwise. We all have to start somewhere.
The memories of my childhood can be fuzzy but one thing I do remember is my love for writing stories.
Here’s the thing, writing is just something you feel in your bones. There is no rhyme or reason to it but you feel a yearning to express. It’s something that must be done. It’s like a cigarette addiction, you just gotta get your fixing—all hail nicotine.
Writing is for everyone but not everyone will write.
Some people prefer not to deeply analyze their lives in this way. They find contentment in not revisiting their daily experiences and that’s okay. When you write, each slice of life becomes a snapshot filed away into folders of the mind.
Thoughts glide in and out like passengers on a magic carpet, and you attentively observe each one.
I willingly write and that is what makes me a writer.
Writing is the only constant source of joy in my life. It’s psilocybin.
So here’s to reconnecting to the truth.
I’m learning that life is all about finding your way nothing more and nothing less. I’ve been contemplating these two questions:
How can I be myself if I don’t know myself?
How can I know myself if I can’t be myself?
It’s one thing to know yourself and it’s another thing to be yourself. Just like it’s one thing to say you’re an honest person and another thing to lie to yourself in some way every day. This realization is not worth crucifying oneself over but it is a call to dig deeper into the integrity we so conceitedly all claim to have, I beg to differ. So as always, I set out on a quest to call myself out. I want to understand how to both know myself and be myself.
These two forces merge at the intersection of mutation. As long as you are allowing yourself to evolve then you can’t go wrong. Just as night becomes day and day becomes night, there is a place for everything.
"That’s what humans do: we make and remake our stories, abandoning the ones that no longer fit and trying on new ones for size” -Katherine May
If you want to know what happens when you don’t abandon the old skin, I’ll tell you. You get depressed. I feel like that’s a word everyone whispers but I’ll stand on the mountain and yell it out
“YOU GET DEPRESSED".”
I’m not belittling this feeling, just confronting it. Depression can take on many forms, and for me, it revealed itself through my actions of self-denial and betrayal.
I shut myself out way too many times until there was nothing left.
Over the years it was like layers of gunk accumulated on the underside of my feet, eventually spreading across my entire body, resembling dried mud that had solidified into dirt, rendering me completely immobile.
I had to break free.
I’ve weighed my identity up against many systems. They often clouded my vision of who I am rather than clarified it. Every time I tear down a bridge that I thought I needed to build to feel complete I notice how courageously scared I am. Why? Well, it’s a lion-hearted task to live in your truth. So when I’m out here expressing myself, looking courageous just know I have nothing else better to do.
I was talking to a friend about how we’re running out of desires but in reality, we’re not running out of desires. Desiring is a beautiful aspect, often serving as the driving force propelling us forward in life. When I gaze into the mirror, I recognize that what we are all perpetually running short of is performing. My face had completely melted off like hot plastic. This is when desiring makes us dread our very existence when we aren’t granted access to be who we know ourselves to be. We don’t have any facades left inside of us, we’ve lost the ambition to pretend.
How does one deal with the newfound freedom of no longer pretending? Better yet, How does one decide they’ve reached their final performance?
You know what article of clothing, if I may call it that, has a life of it’s own. Socks.I love them but I can’t lie, I wish they would stop disappearing all the time. Where do they run off to after they meet the washing machine? I was in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and took a walk to the store without any on. I was annoyed. Not a washing machine in site this time and the socks still managed to make their escape. Well that’s what it felt like but in reality I had misplaced them in my hotel room.
Those thick hiking shoes slid back and forth back and forth because they had nothing to grip. A that moment I decided that I was simply not enthused by shoes without socks. It feels like something is missing. I wondered how many people wear shoes without socks and enjoyed it but then also how privileged of me to think that everyone has a choice. I then ventured off to a history lesson to locate it’s origin.
Allegedly scientists and archeologists have speculated that sock-like foot coverings have been around since the Stone Ages. They believe this due to cave paintings that resemble something being displayed covering the foot. Makes sense. In the 8th century BC the Greeks wore socks called “piloi” which were made from matted animal hair. By the 5th Century AD socks called “puttee” were worn by holy people in Europe to symbolize purity. By 1000 AD socks became a symbol of wealth among the nobility. I won’t go into a full-blown history lesson but socks were indefinitely worn under sandals at another point in time too. I like to think that we’ve come a long way as far as the material goes yet it’s sobering to consider that there are still individuals who cannot afford socks or shoes and very much need them or do we need them?
When I went to a retreat in St.Criox the property we stayed on was owned by a family of 4. The mom, the dad, a daughter aged between 7-9, and a son aged between 4-6. They lived the most natural life. They were quick on their feet and lived in harmony with the land better than anyone I’d ever known and guess what? They didn’t wear shoes. So I can imagine that they didn’t think twice about socks.
Instances like these prompt introspection and acknowledge areas where you might face disadvantages while recognizing that there are also places where one holds undeniable privilege. Like sock privilege.
Sometimes I call my lover to make sure he’s still on earth. I’m not even the obsessive type who needs to know his every move. Our relationship is built on freedom and space. It wouldn’t work any other way. It’s just that my mind always emphasizes the dichotomy between life and death: the essence of existence juxtaposed with morality.
I like to picture death as the misunderstood friend, often excluded from social gatherings because it’s motives are elusive. Inevitable, relentless, grotesque, mysterious that’s how everyone’s favorites— life and love would describe death but with this description? I’m into this sort of thing. I came because it’s inevitable and mysteriousness stayed due to it’s grotesque and relentlessness.
So occasionally, I invite death to my party, the one that’s open 24/7 in my mind. We sit at the bar, I entice it with conversation and good red wine. I want to understand how they do it. I want to know how it decides who the next victim is. I want to learn the why behind the casualties.
My point is, if death is going to constantly do it’s bidding, I thought that by befriending it, I might at least receive a heads-up when someone dear to me is done living.
“heyyyy I’m just calling to see if you’re still on Earth”.
“yeah babe i’m good lol”
People always say you chose to come here but quite frankly I want to see proof. I want to see the contract.
🌀Reflection Portal:
Contemplate these three questions:
How can I be myself if I don’t know myself?
How can I know myself if I can’t be myself?
How does one decide they’ve reached their final performance?
Feel free to message me to share any revelations that come to you. Don’t be shy, I would say I don’t bite but that would be a lie.
🎵Listening to: “ b i g f e e l i n g s by WILLOW” I enjoy willow through every stage of her music but this was needed.
Counter Cultural by Erah Society with Jasmine Nnenna 39/ The Shadow of Money pt.1 I listened to this episode over the course of 5 days because it’s worth taking it slow, you letting the words embed into my soul. Everything Jas creates sparks divine inspiration but this episode ignited a bonfire inside of me. I don’t know if I’ll be the same after listening and that’s necessary.
📚Reading: Wintering The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May- This was the first book on an astrological inspired book list for Taurus that I ran across. When I saw the title I knew I had to read it. I’m slowly making progress through this book but so far I enjoy her writing style and I’m happy I found her. She feels like a stranger I would have an extended chat with over tea in a cafe. I always leave each chapter with something to think about in regards to how we think of “rough times” in our lives and the way we feel so much shame about experiencing them.
I know Why the Caged Birds Sing by Maya Angelou- RUN DON’T WALK this is a must read. This is my first time reading work from THE Phenomenal Woman herself. I was slow to read this book for some reason I was more curious about wintering first. Now every time I pick it up the walls of my world fade away and I feel transported to the very scene I’m reading. I can’t believe I waited so long and I will be reading more from her indefinitely while also watching interviews because who can resist her sultry and exaggerated tone.
*Always be sure to check your local library for books before purchasing and if you don’t have a library card do yourself a favor and get one.*
🕸Feeling: Angry with no one to talk to about it. This is not the anger of a victim. I feel moved to simply create. For once I feel connected to the will to keep doing what I love now more than ever.
Happy Taurus Season & Earth Day🌸
Talk Soon,
Tiana
Get a taste of my previous post, it’s heart opening 💗
The story of a successful quitter
I changed my publication name to ChildLike, it resonates. Ok moving on :)
Wintering is on my must read list