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omg I miss yallllll, how’s everything? before I get all deep and serious, I’m high af and a joint has not touched my lips. I don’t even know where to begin. March was such a beautiful time for me that I’m still trying to process every experience down the the last detail.
Words are not enough at this time to explain anything. I couldn’t even think of a title name lol
Thank you for being here as always.
Here goes something……
March is usually a time of emotional upheaval for me. It has been for the past couple of years now. As I’m learning how to break those barriers that keep me guarded, I find myself being the most gentle expression that I’ve been in all my years of living. It’s something that I’m witnessing objectively in my relationship with myself and it is being reflected in my relationship with others.
While I may have spent so much time focusing on my relationships with others , it was the relationship with myself that needed a total revamp.
I felt called to take a step back from sharing weekly writings to focus on living and improving my relationship with myself. Most of you may not know this about me but I grew up shy so I am always battling between being expressive or not sharing anything at all. Sometimes it feels like there is no space in life for the person who just wants to sit quietly in the corner. So then I have those times where I’m forcing myself to be outgoing because I do believe the world favors extroversion more. Where I can be loud and outgoing, I can also be reserved and quiet.
In a way, taking a step back was me empowering me. Even when I am not speaking I am still as powerful and important.
I was struggling with what I wanted to write and I have many drafts to this post but all of them felt forced. I think apart of me knows that it may be time to start using my physical voice to share messages because I do hide behind writing a little.
You deserve to do regular human shit
Where everything feels performative now a days, I realized that I deserve to do regular human shit. The need to be working toward something at all times exhausted me so I stopped working toward things to produce results and did things for pure enjoyment. I took a step back from my day job and spent a lot of time just doing regular human shit or nothing at all.
While I acknowledge my privilege in being able to do this I know that the reason we all work so hard is for this very reason, to relax , to enjoy life, and to do nothing.
As we are all tied to different responsibilities
kids, mortgages, taking care of family members, bills, jobs, debts etc.
When is there a chance to enjoy the fruits of our labor?
I believe that the chance lies in the moments you’d never guess. While you think you are working so hard to pay bills we have to start somewhere if we want to enjoy life. Putting some money aside each time you get paid for a small vacation feels so hard when you don’t have it like that. The money will be spent regardless so I urge you to keep your wants and needs in mind when you get money. Always put something aside for a SUNNY DAY🌞.
Go do some regular human shit with it like going get ice cream , if that’s your thing.
It isn’t until you give yourself something that you can see that you deserve more.
This past week I went on a family vacation to Puerto Rico. When we visited Gozalandia water falls, I looked around and didn’t see any black families. It hit me like a dagger to my heart “black people don’t take vacations”. I’m not saying the vibes were off and the people weren’t friendly but as a black person you can feel the energy of “surprise” by caucasians when you walk into a place where there is more of them.
I know the advantages they have as well and I won’t get into that here but my point is taking a break is regular human shit. Somewhere along the lines taking a break became a luxury and that really doesn’t sit right with them.
Watching kites fly in the air, people watching, sitting down to have a cold beverage, speaking to a stranger in passings, listening to music while you clean up, walking around your local park, phoning a friend.
These are all things that don’t ask us to be performative but to just be present and show up.
We suck at being human
To know that you deserve to do regular human shit, you must first accept that you are on earth to learn how to be human. All the things that makes us human are the very things that make us feel ostracized.
Recently, this woman made a video crying and talking about her struggle with the lack of touch from others. The emphasis wasn’t on affection as it leads to sex but more so affection that focuses on the genuine love of a hug. Hugs are so underrated but to even be in the arms of another is so stress reducing. Some may say she looked crazy for crying online, some may have related to her post and commend her for speaking up.
I know firsthand how it feels to use your voice to say things that people are thinking but would never say. Whatever others may think of that moment she had.
She became more human because of it and broke barriers within herself.
If we could sit down and admit to all the things that contribute to our alikeness instead of being shitty humans we can come to know a thing or two about The strong will we all have to live.
We want to experience new things, but we never leave the house.
We want to love, but we go months without doing things we love.
We want friendships but we shrink our personalities as soon as we are in public.
We want to be better people but we refuse to check in with ourselves.
We feel alone but we never pick up the phone to say so.
We suffer in silence and I doubt that’s the meaning of life.
Gratitude for self is the reason we know happiness and joy
I don’t want to speak about gratitude in a toxic way because truthfully you can experience feelings of gratitude while also being angry, sad, confused etc.
I don’t believe that it is something that you should force yourself into feeling because that is breathing grounds for resentment.
In my experience , I took the time out to say “Thank you” more often and I started getting more of what I want.
I whole heartedly believe that I’m already living a life that I dreamed of and I just want to let you know that I don’t even have a lot of money. A lot of times when we see people living their life we attach money to the equation. While money may be involved it is other circumstances that triumph money that makes joy possible to experience. Sometimes it is the resources that money can’t buy. I believe that gratitude is a spiritual resource that we all have access to. When it is not being forced it contributes heavily to your perspective which changes your perception.
Gratitude to me, isn’t just about being grateful for what you have but being grateful for the things that you are. I have a love hate relationship with gratitude list because I do feel that they can be forceful in a moment when you’re just not feeling it. Forcing yourself to look at all the things you have feels like pushing your feelings under the rug. Using gratitude more often as a means to highlight everything that you are feels more personal to me.
It isn’t just forcing yourself to “count your blessings” but it’s forcing yourself to say “Hey regardless of what’s happening right now, I am nothing short of amazing”.
We need that type of affirmation to counteract the tendency to attach our worth to what we have. When you can’t be grateful in the moment for “what you have” doesn’t mean you aren’t a grateful person.
Being you is sacred
I’m going to end this post on this note.
I think that being you is sacred.
I think that it’s really special.
I do believe that you have your own thing that is unique to your expression.
No stone should be left unturned when it comes to getting to know yourself. I believe that we put a cap on who we are because we’re scared we may be too weird or different. We force ourselves to conform a lot. Some of it is due to people pleasing, some is out of fear, and some of it is because we just want to be in collaboration with others but we mute ourselves thinking that is the way to go.
There is no better time to rediscover and come into yourself like now. It is 2023 and we have gone through so much the past 3 years. If you are still sitting back thinking that something about someone else is better than you, I want you to unpack that.
Your light won’t dim another.
Emerge from the shadows and see exactly who you can be.
I emerge from my own shadows and I can’t even go back.
I started dressing exactly how I want to, I hold my head a little bit higher when I’m walking down the street, I introduce myself now to others with clarity and I like myself. At the start of the year I was always searching for something but I am the one I was waiting for.
love tiana♡