Oh the yearning, it's insatiable.
An addiction to spending, pencils not pens, a shared goal, love is the currency,
Usually I share what I’m listening to at the end in the reflection portal but today I encourage you as the reader to play while reading. So listen, read, enjoy💌
“The hungry ghost realm is the domain of addiction where we endlessly seek something outside ourselves to satisfy an insatiable yearning for fulfillment.”
My journal is done for. I tore the used pages of a written out budget from a 2021 journal, that still had plenty of blank space, instead of buying a new one. Little did I realize that writing this budget was a waste of paper, considering I never followed it. Apparently, I was attempting to track my expenses and improve my spending habits. Honestly, when I had more money, my spending was poor. I never properly learned how to mange money. My money story was fucked. As a result there was always something that I needed to buy, as spending is more emotional than rational. It was this feeling that I had to purchase something NOW or I’d miss the opportunity.
Journal entries as follows:
“I am spending more money than I am making, this has to stop”
“Food= $50.12, did better with food. I did buy extra gifts and I went to a bar. Next week let’s focus on spending no more than $50”
I was working hard to understand financial literacy in theory, but time and time again, my actions proved that nothing was really changing. I was, in fact addicted to spending and the fleeting since of wealth that it gave me.
As fall arrives, I feel no regrets for losing my job this summer. I learned how to live with less and that taught me that true wealth lies in resourcefulness, while excessive spending is rooted in scarcity.
There was no way I would be able to build anything worth having while being addicted to spending. Thank goodness those days are behind me.
Recently I’ve come to the realization that that nothing truly makes me happy. Im not sure if I’m just hard to please or if happiness is an elusive, overrated pursuit we’re all endlessly chasing. Happiness is a deceptive feeling— it never last.
Here’s how it goes: I receive something or something good happens, and my body feels light and wide open, with a trace of ecstasy lingering. I imagine this must be my attempt at happiness. An hour passes, and the drug-like state fades, leaving me hollow like a seashell washed up on a shore, searching for that feeling once again.
Satisfaction on the other hand? very attainable, very within my grasp, very much worth my time.
Let me explain: when I eat a delicious meal, especially if it’s homemade, I’m swept into a profound sense of satisfaction and fulfillment, not happiness. The moment feels durable—perfect, as if it’s here to stay. I’m smiling, I’m dancing, and feeding myself using the choo-choo method while wiggling like a worm. Once that moment ends, I’m left feeling so sustained that every action afterward is infused with that same level of satisfaction and fulfillment.
When I go on a walk, I confidently put my body into every step, the breeze tickles my senses making me laugh. I feel satisfaction and fulfillment from that moment.
When I pull out a book, I am grateful for the freedom to just kick back, relax ,and lose myself in it’s pages. I feel satisfaction and fulfillment from that moment.
When I get on the phone with a loved one, I find myself being more patient, intentional and savoring the conversation. I feel satisfaction and fulfillment from that moment.
So is it me or is the feeling of happiness an elusive, overrated pursuit?
I’ve switched to writing in pencil.
Something about writing in pen makes every mark feel permanent. I feel hardened by my mistakes, weighed down by contextual word errors, misspellings, and the awkward squiggly lines I draw to disguise them. The eraser, however, feels superior. I want to know that it’s okay to give myself a do-over and try again.
My partner and I decided on a new shared goal: we want abs.
Yikes.
Are we vain?
The only reason this goal has come about is through my continuous efforts to keep going and the experience has grown on me. I’ve developed a love for gradual progression, challenging my basil ganglia, physical exertion, and sweating. Despite that, I want you to know that the gym and I will never truly be friends. When I first started going, I was embarrassed by my lack of knowledge about how to use the equipment. It’s a social jungle and I felt pressured to master it. If a workout appeared to be too hard, I would experience a mental and emotional flare up. I would pout, get teary-eyed, and want to quit.
Not to mention, I felt insecure looking at the muscle men and women who stroked their weights with confidence. I wasn’t there yet. My ego did not enjoy my perception of being in the gym with a man who was showing me everything—racking the weights and leading me from machine to machine—while I followed like an eager assistance taking notes from her male boss in a high-rise office.
Now when I go to the gym I mind my business so hard I don’t even have time to be embarrassed or insecure. I rack my own weights, I complete sets before him sometime moving freely to the next machine, and I get occasional thrills by secretly catching a glimpse at the ass of whatever woman walks past me.
The reality is he has been a huge support in my gym journey. I am now spoiled by the endless encouragement. We fill each other up with the belief that we can achieve anything.
So abs it is.
No matter how long the results take to physically appear.
I caught myself in the middle of a full-circle moment. It was Sunday, the shower was slowly heating up as the temperature transitioned from cold to warm and then steamy. I stepped in, anticipating the water to hit my skin. A sigh of relief washed over my entire body because, in the shower, I know that the water will listen to me. It is a safe place for me to divulge my thoughts. Don’t we all need a place where our thoughts can rest?
“God, I feel like something is missing, or rather there is something that I’m not seeing. Show me”
Something important was slipping through my fingers. I spoke my declaration and released attachment from the clarity I sought. I knew the answer would come to me when I was open and ready to receive it.
Hours later, it was through a conversation with my mother-in-law that the message found me:
I am so much more than what I fear I am not.
The person I have been striving so hard to “become” has already arrived. In fact, she’s been right here with me all along —navigating the lessons, rising from the low blows, and smoking on the highs.
Life is less about becoming, as the constant pursuit of new identities reveal their limitations eventually.
Life is about unclothing—being naked with yourself and pouring from that well of transparency.
“There is more to unlearn than to learn”
Life is about loving and being in right relationship with everything around me.
I’ve spent so much of my 20’s trying to “figure” it out, being stressed about purpose, money, and feelings of inadequacy that I completely disregarded the fact that I am a source of love, which is the highest currency.
It was never money that lead me to the next best thing in life, It was living by love and reciprocity that has supported and fueled my journey.
What felt like a random series of events happening non-sequentially was actually intertwined, all thanks to my courageous free spirit that has been uniquely expressing itself and cultivating the most meaningful relationships along the way.
When I am in the right environments with the right people, opportunities come to me.
Since I have been intentional about my relationships throughout the years, it’s evident that wealth has appeared to me in this life through love.
Love is the currency. I am full of it. It is sustaining me. I don’t need to worry about what’s next. It’ll always be revealed to me through my connections.
🌀Reflection portal:
Ways to support:
🎨If you enjoy reading childlike purchase a Adulting but make it childlike tote
🤝🏾In my business I support conscious creators in mastering their energy so they can bask in what makes them unique. you can get the free Know your energy guide here.
🎧I created an immersive soundscape which is an audio experience that you can listen to while cloud watching to evoke raw emotions that guide you on a journey of learning to trust, and let go of needing to have it all figured out. You can purchase the full recording of trust the process soundscape here.
But first, listen to the snippet here ☁️
With love,
Tiana💌
Dirty feet
Normally I like my feet in socks, but today I let them get dirty, just like I used to when I was a child.
This was so good, Tiana and right on time, because why was so much of this in my business?! From the budget you never followed written into a journal to the feelings of inadequacy and not having/being enough. Thank you for this!