My dreams are worthwhile
My dreams are worthwhile
a dreamer's meditation, you can't hide from things that are meant to be.
I’ve been trying to figure out what I was going to write about all week but when I think too hard, my mind goes blank. Besides, I’ve been documenting my life experiences as they appear why stop now? I get in my head all the time but nonetheless I’m going to show up.
Writing is my lost dream. It’s where I belong.
For the past 3 days, I was stuck in the midst of an emotional spiral and the thought of having to do life made me feel even worse. I wish we could press pause on this game whenever we want. I think the pause button would make us feel pretty safe knowing that life isn’t going on without us but sadly it is.
At the heart of my emotional spiral was a deep frustration that I couldn’t call out by name just yet. All I know is that I felt tethered to something so familiar but yet so lost.
My apartment was suffocating and heavy. The place I enjoy the most was contributing to my emotional spiral so I decided to get dressed and go out into the world a bit. You know create an adventure and connect with myself.
I went to the library and that was a sweet nostalgic moment because I grew up walking to the library religiously with my cousins. I explored a bit and allowed my intuition to guide me to:
Erotic Stories for Punjabi Women by Balli Kaur Jaswal
Be Not Afraid Of Love Mimi Zhu
I hardly ever know what I need but I always put trust into my intuition to give me answers.
and right now these books are what I need.
The Erotic Stories of Punjabi Women is a charming read about the lives of four Indian women from the traditional Sikh communication. They join a literacy class to learn how to read and write in English. Instead, they end up finding joy in sharing stories of passion, desire, and sexual fantasies amongst each other.
Be Not Afraid Of Love is written by a queer Asian Australian who shares her story of exploring love, intimacy, and connection after experiencing domestic violence *trigger warning read*
These stories take me out of my world and into the world of others. They are guiding the way for me to connect to a deeper part of my own authenticity.
After that, I went to the thrift store. I hadn’t been to a thrift store in at least a year. That was one of my favorite things to do when I was new to Dallas and didn’t know anyone.
Then all of a sudden it hit me…. The wanderer in me was crying out for help. She was stuck in mud, sinking deeper and deeper every time I ignored her.
The root of my emotional spiral was the life not yet lived.
Dreams I put on the back burner because of my own disbelief in them coming true.
Another piece of myself that I put away for safe keeping, except they weren’t safe anymore, as it scratched away at the bandage I layered on top of it.
I spend a lot of time running from ourselves.
I spent a lot of time doing what I think I should do instead of trusting the inner knowing of what I want to do. Why is that?
Have I become so afraid of who I can be that I’ve decided to settle for second best in what’s possible for my life?
I’ve been inconsistent in trying to find the next best thing but It didn’t occur to me that writing was where I was meant to be all along. It didn’t occur to me that I could help people through writing. It didn’t occur to me that in being expressive myself that I open the door for other people to find the art of their expression.
“That’s not a real job” was the line that hunted me since I was a teenager and it followed me into adulthood.
I abandoned that longing in order to be something that is presentable in the world.
Feelings of shame were trying to rise to the surface. I didn’t entertain them though because it’s not my feelings to entertain. Why should I feel ashamed for becoming more of myself everyday?
And it’s Aquarius season. No wonder I was feeling tension no wonder the dream resurfaced. Aquarius will usher you into greatness in a weird unconventional way. Aquarius tells you that you are the revolution. Aquarius tells us to create without rules. Aquarius tells you to be yourself or else. Aquarius is about owning your uniqueness. It’s about the sum of all parts so don’t stop at unearthing just one.
If anything shame on the world for convincing us that worth is measured by the best job we can get to secure “our place” in society. That blending in is better than standing out.
Reflection questions:
What parts of you have you ignored? What will you discover about yourself this year? What will you bring forth?
What dreams have you put on the back burner?
Make a list of all the things that you want to do and then narrow that list down to the thing of the upmost priority. (the other things still matter but we need to figure out what’s first because it’s all going to happen. You just need to be more organized about it)
Write out what you can do to make it happen.
I’m writing this to encourage you to open yourself up to yourself ( as always). Look in on a lost dream of yours. Explore the part of you that wanted it in the first place? Do you still resonate with that person? Maybe, maybe not but all I know is that you can’t hide from things that are meant to be.
