Living in between

endless possibilities caught up in a vicious fight with time

After last week’s revelation, this week I am not interested in fighting with myself or anybody else for that matter. I’m eliminating problems by choosing to keep it chill. I worked 9 days straight this week and that’s suicide in the aviation industry.

I didn’t want to do this but I did it to get the weekend off to support my lover in his first Jujitsu competition.

I’m really tired and I even contemplated if I was going to write this week but I got this. I kept a great attitude through it all so at the very least I can continue to show up for myself, and what i love. Even if my words never saw the light of day, it fuels me when I have absolutely nothing.

As I write this post on day 8 aka *the final stretch* I know that the real reason I worked this week was to come to write.

to live a moment

gain an experience

learn

and share it with you.

Also, I love you.

I had the random urge to say that.

Through the looking glass of what I’ve observed this week

I get this feeling that some how, we think if we work more we’ll get there faster but faster is subjective isn’t it? Accomplishing something in a year could be fast compared to one and slow compared to another. The most frustrating part of it all is that most of us are working toward *freedom* We just want to be able to do what we want. Most importantly, we want the money to back it up.

I talk to my loved ones and everyone is stressed. No one is happy with where they are. Everyone wants new lives, new jobs, a vacation, a break, a detox etc. You know what the number one issue I hear is “not enough time, not enough money”. So then we work more, adding onto the stress because we think that doing more is the solution to the money and time problem.

It doesn’t alleviate anything it just makes us think that the dog race is out of our hands and it’s never going to let up.

Meanwhile you are the one in charge of the dog race and you can let up anytime you want.

There’s never enough time in a day

I think being able to measure time is a problem because then we make time the enemy.

Whose idea was it to give us clocks again??? Delete the whole invention please.

Don’t you know that there is a little village in some other part of the world who’s only concept of time is by sunrise and sunset. They are not busy fighting with a digital clock. My guess is that they are getting things done all the same and what they can’t do before sunset they do it tomorrow at sunrise. Or maybe they don’t?

So why do you get down on yourself when the work isn’t done? Why can’t you associate incompleteness, 180 degree angles, and half circles with being just another thing apart of life.

I know we live in a world with celebrities, and private jets, and Hermes but that is only a piece of life the rest can be very simple.

One day when I was on my lunch break I had what felt like an out of body experience. Although my body was present in the seat it’s like I completely checked out. For a moment, I realized that my life will not be like this forever. I sat with the thought that I really do have unlimited possibilities. That in each choice I make the possibilities just expand. I don’t know how long I was gone but when I came back I started looking around because It felt important to really take it all in. At any given moment my life could change for the better…..or even the worse.

~I’ve been reading two books that have contributed a great deal to my insight this week Gathering Blossoms Under Fire By Alice Walker and The Midnight Library by Matt Haig~

I learned that I am no longer a slave to my desires because I used to be for a very long time. I am now fueled by then.

I became super honest on what my real “life goals” were this week and although I don’t have the money to show for it, I can guarantee you I’m not living too far off from what I really want in life.

I even made a list in my notes app titled

“Raise your vibration” which consists of my wants of all sizes both big and small. As small as “ getting a new dope oil diffuser” “getting a medusa piercing” to “ Getting a new spacious apartment with 2 bed rooms, gorgeous kitchen with an island, patio/sunroom nice windows and lighting” or “getting my car fixed” “write 2 books” because I need to know that REGARDLESS if I’m accomplishing something big or small I CAN make things happen for me.

I always thought that becoming something or accomplishing the “goal” was the root of my joy but honestly, we’re just going to keep desiring more and more and more. That can’t be the source right?

So I place my joy instead in how I feel about myself because regardless of how long it takes I’m going to do all the things I want to do anyway. There is nothing that can stop me except me.

Reflection question

1. What do you want from life and why?

2. Are you a slave to this/these desire? (being a slave to your desire looks like only envisioning happiness ONCE you’re living in that desire)

3. Are these really desires yours or something you think that will bring you happiness?

4. What is your belief system around getting what you want?

These questions are important to ask yourself because we are living in the times of social media where everything is aesthetic and looks good but we have no idea if those things are giving what it’s supposed to give lol real shit.

I out of all people would never assume the worse of what people post online but still we need to take inventory of the real source of joy and happiness. Is it when you go on vacation? or when you get to cook dinner for your boo? Is it buying that new home? or is when you paid it forward and got the stranger behind you coffee on your tab?

Shut up, count your blessings

because gratitude and undesirable circumstances can co-exist together stop casting the worse spells over your lives geeez.

I hardly had any money in my checking account the other week and I found a random check in the mail for $30 that was waiting on me to notice it and cash it. That check came January 23rd and no telling how long it would have sat if I didn’t decide to be mundane, clean up and organize mail. After I cashed the check I went about my day to have a library date. So then a man randomly pulled on side my car in moving traffic and was pointing at my car while mouthing words to me.

Typically I would have ignored this person in the name of going about my business but that day I was feeling pretty open to receive. When I noticed he was trying to get my attention, I noticed that within myself my heart was at ease. I had no idea what this man was saying but I felt an urge to roll my window down.

“I can fix your car” he yelled out. I said “Okay pull over in that parking lot so we can talk.”

Long story short, this man fixed my car for $300 . He offered to do it that day but I didn’t have it to give. All week I was biting my nails wondering if this man was trying to scam me or not. The thought was valid because people are crazy but I had to ask myself where was this fear coming from? because earlier that day during my morning ritual I was in deep prayer. This felt like a moment for me to believe that life can be sweet you know?

Every time I evaluated my heart about the situation , it was at ease. That’s when I knew that it was my mind that was the culprit of doubt on life’s sweetness.

Living in between and neutrality to ease your suffering.

What is living in the in between? Honestly, I don’t know. It’s more of a feeling than something I can describe but I’ll try to describe it anyway.

Being neutral to me means not being emotionally attached and judgmental about everything that’s happening to me.

“Judgements are negative or erroneous perceptions of the limitations in our life, we find out how we do in our judgment when what we want or wish for doesn’t meet up with our experience".” -John Morton DDS

If I open my eyes wide enough I will see that i’m always given the experiences that I need to learn and that’s what we’re here to do. Who said it always had to feel good?

“Look at what you do to stay calm and in peaceful place rather than go into judgment, disappointment, or some kind of negativity. Part of it is simply claiming “My intention is to be calm and clear. I hold myself to that consciousness. I breathe. I breathe naturally. I don’t make myself tense. I relax. I don’t judge my process” That’s shifting into neutrality”- John Morton DDS

The quotes are from this article, read it or don’t I could care less about your God wounds. It’s a sentiment that’s worth checking out though.

Shifting into Neutrality: Moving forward God’s way

Living in between to me feels like having an inner knowing that carries me. It is being connected to my truth at all times. It’s not letting my emotions or circumstances dictate if I’m going to live life or not.

It’s being very real with where you’re at but having a deep conviction about where you’re going.

Caught up in a fictitious competition with time

There is this huge piece of me that doesn’t want to fight with time anymore.

I think that looks like me being intentional about where i’m going, creating from that space *because we are in co-creation* and then letting it unfold without trying to control the outcome.

It’s also about making love everyday. You know we correlate making love with having sex but love is too expansive to limit “making love” to just that act.

So today and on forward, I am making love.

excuse my french, where the fuck are we going anyway?