life is a b****h
life is a b****h
on gratitude, and giving frustration a voice
“Life is a b****h” I blurted that out with strong conviction as if I had finally taken my rose colored lens off to have a moment of truth.
I was already off to a rocky start because I had a dream that my sister was kidnapped and then the person came back for me. Every time I have stressful dreams I almost always experience tension and resistance in my waking life the following day.
Oh add that to my undiagnosed insomnia staying up until 3:30am obsessing over change and how unavoidable it is….. so everything I was doing today was to deal with the fact that my subconscious mind is trying to tell me something and it used a kidnapping to communicate with me… ain’t that’s some shit?
Oh yeah and the thought of spending $110 on a calculator pissed me tf off. I think that was the thing that made me sky rocket lmao you will be proud to know I was pondering on WHO would have this calculator I couldn’t think of anyone. Life saw fit to have me see my sister today because she had one that she wasn’t using!!!!
One thing you should know about me is that I hardly complain but I do express concern( more on that later) boy was today fueled by complaints. I think it’s funny how frustration can often be over shadowed by the need to be “grateful”.
I believe that expressing gratitude is healthy executed when we make room for our frustrations to speak too. Gratitude shouldn’t be used to bypass frustration but too acknowledge even in the midst of frustration where things are already working.
So i’m already pretty aware that this day will be fueled by anxiousness because I know me and I also know the behaviors that follow my anxiety streak
an obsession with controlling time
an obsession with over communicating to prove how irresponsible I am not
a lack of patience
bodily tension that sits in my neck, stomach or heart
giving my frustration a voice without criticism
Nobody:
The capricorn rising in me: “I can’t do this anymore!!!!” *cries salty tears mixed with glitter*
The taurus in me: “sorrows sorrows prayers”
There is the one end of me who is fully conscious that shit just happens the dominos just fall and that there is no rhyme or rhythm why things happen although we like to attribute cause and effect because it helps us cope with existence.
and the other end knows that death is the only constant and I am weirdly comfortable with that since it is the certain.
otherwise everything is just up in the air all the time.
Me: * goes into walgreens for cash back I need $25 cash to be exact* “ugh the line is long I’m leaving I don’t wanna be late”
*rolls eyes, checks time, wondering why I went to that walgreens, marches out with my arms folded and resting bitch face intact*
Me: * goes to gas station for gas, grabs a baby bottle pop (watermelon flavor, my fav) takes it to the register……. “yall do cash back right?”
Cashier : maximum $10
Me: “ughhhhhhhhhhhh ok, thank you” *leaves baby bottle pop on counter*
*drives over to CVS*
I go into CVS and there are 5 people in front of me
2 Indians guys playing around on the self check out machine looking clueless, 2 Women in scrubs waiting for the men to stop playing so they can check out their assortment of beauty items, 1 lady in the regular line who is waiting for the cashier to come back after stepping away to help the 2 guys and to retrieve something for her.
Me: “ughhhh there are lines everywhere I go, I just want cash back”
Lady in front of me: *looks back and just grins understanding my frustration slightly*
The cashier finally comes back to bag the woman’s items making small talk about her house hold items.
Lady in front of me: “ can you double bag that i’m over there on belmont and the walk is pretty far?”
Me *thinking about how when I leave out of here I won’t have to walk because I have a car*
The lady then apologized to me for asking for double bags because she knew how frustrated I was about waiting.
Me: “oh no worries you’re good”
because I needed her to truly understood that she mattered and she was no burden to me.
Cashier:” Hi How can I help you"?”
Me: ‘ I just have this gum and I wanna do cash back, can you include atleast two 5’s ?”
Cashier: “I don’t have any 20’s” *hands me $40 in all 5’s*
Me: perfect that’s literally what I need.
I was feeling so anxious and impatient that I projected it onto someone else who felt the need to apologize to me for taking care of her own needs. In that moment, I had just gained a token of gratitude for my self-awareness. Having a car versus walking isn’t inherently better, I personally love walking, but in a city like Dallas where public transportation is mid having a car is something to be grateful for. Then after all the hastle over cash back just so I could have $25 to give to my barber, I got what i needed, more than enough 5’s. Fun fact: the bank next to my old airport used to let me pick the bills with increments of 5’s and 10’s sometime you don’t want all 20’s or is it just me???
Life is a b****h
glamorously hot, doing what it wants at all times, not listening to me, you or any other human, just operating and running based on every tiny detail, orchestrating life through every single choice.
A light bulb finally went off for me.
I do not have to coddle life and act like it’s all sunshines and rainbows because it sure won’t always coddle me. I can be pissed tf off, I can put gratitude to the side for a moment to give my frustration a voice. I see life for what it is while also owning the fact that I get a say where getting a say matters most.
MIND BODY AND SPIRIT
I own these things.
I get to observe thoughts in my head that push me into tension, I get to consciously breath to get my system back into equilibrium, and I get to do something spirit filled like listening to music. Sensual Seduction by snoop dogg alway does it for me because it’s a narrative about not rushing sex and letting her finish first it doesn’t get any better than that lmao
My interpretation of what happens to me is where life and I meet and come into alignment with whatever is happening. Whether that alignment so happens to be me successfully riding my emotional waves and getting off the ride when I’m ready or creating something pretty in canva, or cooking a meal.
I’m so grateful to understand life through a holistic framework because it helps the application of living easier for me. If i hadn’t come to know myself in this way baby ignorance would surely be bliss and I would be smoking it daily.
I can either be the one who complains and has no context of the extent of my magnitude or I can pull myself up by my boot straps with the context of my magnitude in mind and make something shake.
All this magic in me, I give frustration a voice so it doesn’t turn into this bitter resentment with life but I be damned if I let frustration be the only season in my recipe for life.
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