in deep surrender

on cultivating stillness in a moving world, sitting quietly, living outside the "why" of things.

At the beginning of December life was shifting in aligned direction. I gained confidence to share who I am, go out and meet like minded people, and I was feeling qualified, called, and equipped in my existence.

Within 24 hours on a Sunday the trajectory of how I would approach life moving forward was set in motion to change. My heart was in pain through self-infliction and also from actions of others. I kept having the vision of being naked out on a cliff about to jump, not to death, but to some place where I didn’t have to deal with “all this”.

Question one: WHY?

Question two: How could two people I care about become strangers?

no resolve just open wounds. Bloody, oozing from the sides left to heal on their own with absolutely no medicine.

For the first time in a long time I intentionally searched for what it means to surrender to a presence that was greater than anything I could comprehend. Although I thought life was good I couldn’t understand how it suddenly got so freaking bad.

I cried, I felt, I confessed, I went over what happened over and over to trusted friends and family. I even contemplated closing myself off to new connections and friendships completely.

I knew that this was a problem that needed to be completely handed over to God.

The one who is in me as me.

I retreated.

Now, In present day…….

Stillness is my long lost romantic partner. Slow actions are infused into every part of my days. We are together forever.

I know that stillness doesn’t come easily. I know that our lives are filled with duties, responsibilities, bills, accomplishments, dreams that need tending to but

here is how I cultivate stillness in a moving world

1. establishing safety

2. morning routine

3. tea making and tea drinking

4. sitting quietly and doing nothing

5. reading

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There is an underlying connection that I’ve created with stillness through safety.

Because we can’t be still if we don’t feel safe to do so. I constantly have to remind my mind that it is safe to slow down when my thoughts are in an obsessive loop. I have to tell my body that it is not a fight or flight situation when things don’t go as planned.

I feel my safest when I am still.

There is no safety in worrying or moving fast for me, just continued separation from all the fragmented pieces of who I am that just want to be together again.

My body is fond of stillness, my mind and heart are one in stillness. I have clarity in my emotional state. Stillness is good for me. That is something you have to come to in your own timing.

The idea of stillness is frightening because we know that thoughts will continue to race, we know that feelings of uneasiness can easily come to the surface. We start to question if we could ever truly experience stillness.

Don’t be alarmed by this.

“There is constant rhythm in our bodies that can be accessed to assist in navigating the emerging waves of suffering. The heart is beating, the blood is flowing. Cells are rejuvenating themselves. In this sense there is movement in the stillness of sitting” (Manuel, 105)

Reflection question : Do you feel safe in being still? Do you feel stillness is good for you or states of hurried action? productivity? or continued movement?

The key here is to figure out what works for your needs.

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I wake up at 6am (on my off days) to a ritual of prayer, meditation and breath-work. I set up my space by filing the atmosphere with calming scents, and good vibes. I walk to my kitchen one foot in front of the other, honoring my feet, observing every step

grateful for movement

I let my teapot, water, herbs, and heat make magic.

Tea anyone?

I’ve been working with blue lotus flower, purple passionflower flower essence, and chamomile. To help me connect to my spiritual and emotional body, feelings of tranquility, joy and oneness.

Reflection question: Do you like tea? What herbs will you explore? Will you allow your next drink to be a moment to be still?

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I remember when the days were busy and time got away from me all I wanted to do was sit quietly, read, and do nothing.

So now I set aside time to satisfy that craving.

Currently reading

*I always thought reading multiple books at one time was too much but it gives my incessant mind a variety to choose from I like it.*

Kindred by Octavia E. Butler

The Shamanic Bones of Zen by Zenju Earthlyn Manuel

Unbothered: The Power of Choosing Joy by Omarion

Communicating With Spirit by Carly Llewellyn & Joe H. Slate

Reflection Question: Do you like to read or listen to audiobooks? What are you reading or listening to?

Instead of pondering on the “why” those situations happened to me in December, because we don’t always have the answers, I decided to join forces with life and pay attention to what was happening inside of me outside of my concern for the “why”.

Stillness is my medicine when I don’t know what to do next.

There is so much power in this.

“May all beings,

receive and share the gifts of life,

Be given time to rest, be still, and experience silence,

May all beings,

Be awake.”

(Manuel, 158)

Resources

Manuel, Z. E., & Robinson, A. P. K. (2022). The shamanic bones of zen: Revealing the ancestral spirit and mystical heart of a sacred tradition. Shambhala Publications, Inc.