I am confident in my existence

because this is the only one i will remember.

I am confident in my existence because this is the only one I will remember.

I believe that we are forever returning to the earth with scattered, unremembered pieces of ourselves from life lived before.

So in hindsight ,

everything is within

I know that statement has been tossed around aimlessly carrying absolutely no weight, so I hope to clarify that statement for you through my lens.

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I stopped drinking this month. I have plans to go the whole year without liquor but we shall see. I’m removing pressure from all areas of my life and replacing it with unconditional grace and love, so I’ll let this unfold on a month to month basis.

Will it be the end of the world if i do drink? absolutely not. I write the rules over here.

One of the reasons why I joined hands with this decision is because for one, it chose me.

After reading about emotional alchemy last week, surprise…. you guys know one of my secrets. (but is really a secret though since we all experience anger?)

As fun as I am when I drink, I look back at my life and the series of events that have unfolded over the years, I know that stepping back from liquor is a decision that is supportive of

getting to know myself again.

Imagine how much baggage we pick up on this journey. After a while, looking in the mirror at yourself is a distorted version covered with dust and debris

.

Blocking us from our full potential.

From relationships, to trauma, to heart aches, and even the pain we cause ourselves…..

Some of us never stop to clean the mirror.

I’m cleaning my mirror now and so far I’m learning that we are fools to believe that we are journeying to a final form.

There is no grand finale in who we are but an unfolding of new energy to embody and the releasing of the energy that has run it’s course (until next time) back into the soil of earth.

When I drink I’m a tyrant with an inflated ego ready to step on anyone in my way but this is not the problem at hand here.

The problem is that I’m also courageous, wild, daring, unconventional, and confident, but when I’m sober I feel those things only partially because I’m too busy getting comfortable with self-doubt instead.

I felt limited in my expression because If I can only channel that energy when I drink then who am I really?

Who am I without liquor?

How confident can I be? How daring can I be? How unconventional can I be? How wild can I be? How courageous can I be? Is my ego still big? Do I still want to step on people with my doc martens? I probably do without shame too.

These are questions that need answers and I am the experimenter conducting research on a study. That’s how I see it.

*Get your lab coat and goggles out the corner to the left guys we’re about to light some shit up, I have various colors for you to choose from so pick the ones that make you feel spicy and good* Got it? Ok.

Everyone is entitled to have their own relationship with liquor don’t get this message confused with an anti-liquor campaign.

For me, I feel like a fragment of something so expansive that’s out of reach. Besides the fact that i’ve been drinking since I was 14, (sorry mom) I feel like I’m blocking my own potential putting all my trust in liquor in exchange for a hangover, a headache, and liquor breath.

I know I won’t always make conscious choices but so many of them are absolutely in my hands so this is me exercising my right to them.

Most of my spiritual focus as of lately has been on my intuition, alchemizing my emotions, and raising my vibration. I don’t really see this as doing *the work* because I don’t do *the work* I’m just spirit embodied so I do human shit and spiritual shit (things of the heart) simultaneously.

All of these teachings are rooted in the heart. Clear the dust and debris. Go meet your heart.

Learning about what it means to be alive, to breath and have a beating heart is at the core of how I’m showing up this year. It’s physical, as we know it to be associated with the color red and the rhythm of thumping.

But also spiritual as this is an energetic space with build up keeping us tethered to things we no longer want to know.

You can’t expect to see any real change in your life without meeting your heart first.

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes”
-carl jung

I’m integrating not healing. I’m connecting not disconnecting. I’m heart connected living.

So when I go out in the world I know that I’m coming from a place of openness sending out telepathic signals to all that I’m supposed to align with, and being okay with those who are only passing through or showing up as karma to teach me a lesson.

Liquor was my sweet escape and boy did we have a time.

I don’t necessarily believe that escaping reality is a bad thing because imagination is at the center of human existence sometimes we need to go on a trip.

I’ve been escaping the past 16 days truthfully but into things that light me up not weigh me down.

So when I come back to earth, I feel lighter and okay with being here. The world is heavy and dense and If you’re waiting for someone to rescue you, no one is coming.

Save yourself.

Reflection question: What do you really need right now? What’s on your heart?

Answering these questions is one way to get started.

Although most of the time we may not understand it, life is being crafted in the palm of our hands in a million mini different ways.

Confidence, courage, to be daring, to be wild, and unconventional is an everyday choice just like everything else. You don’t get it and it’s definitive but you add it to your piggy bank of life and pull it out when you need it.

Some of us are way too attached to things that we hate about ourselves to even notice that the piggy bank is open 24/7. There is no bank teller that you have to wait on to access what you need.

I have no real interest in being one dimensional that seems far too complicated and contradictory to stay the same in a world that is constantly changing.

So right now , you, the reader is standing at the edge of the cliff looking out into the distance. I come from behind and push you off the cliff into the arms of yourself.

I am a reflection of you and you are a reflection of me. What you want is right there buried under all the debris. I know you think you have to heal your life away and you do have to undergo an uncovering for truths to be revealed but get out of your own way.

Be wild, be courageous, Be confident, Be daring, Be unconventional. Make a funny face in public, trip over a rock and instantly laugh, whisper sweet messages to the universe, buy flowers for a lover or friend, give them a random appreciation gift, have a lunch date, go to the museum, take a new route home, leave yourself voice recordings in times of pain and in times of relief, Go the trader joes and become a trader hoe like me :)

listen to your favorite song for 10 minutes straight, pass out on the floor instead of in your bed, cook a good meal and put your music on.

This is the fabric of your existence. These small things build great things »»like courage, confidence etc.

Now place your hands over your heart and repeat after me:

I am confident in my existence because I am here. I was transformed from a seed, to a root , to a _______ (fill in the blank because I can’t assume you’re human, I know i’m a variation of flowers, fairy dust and Louisiana spice ) I won’t know everything and that’s okay but I trust that I can be anything. With time, things will unfold unnaturally and some things will wither at the sign of a storm and that is not on me. I cannot control life but what i can control is what i decide to birth and bring forth from the world inside of me. I am confident in my existence even when I am afraid of how things will turn out but I can rest assured in knowing that there are no limits. I write the rules.

xoxo Tiana