I am all out of oppressing thoughts

I remember all those moments I wanted people to see me. I was seeking their understanding. I just wanted to be felt. There is something so deviously rewarding about external validation. You know you don’t need it but you just want to hear what people have to say about you. Your ego practically fawns over it. You’re sick, you know that? and I’m just here to let you know that you can stop doing that.

Lately I’ve been looking in the mirror enticed by my own image.

There’s no use in stressing myself about other’s opinions when they’re uncertain about their own. Why would I trust them to satisfy my identity when they are unsatisfied with their own? If you look around and see how much everyone is pretending you can relieve yourself of your duties by simply coming out of hiding. This type of confidence is bound to piss someone off but I don’t capital C-A-R-E.

Well yes, I care I don’t mean to be apart of the no feelings crowd who claims to not care about anything. Oh I feel and care so much I’ve officially trained myself to detach from all the outside narratives.

I am learning to love without control. Loving ain’t never did me wrong. It was the thing on the other side of it that I got beef with.

C-O-N-T-R-O-L

Control has kept me separate from myself although it does paint a fictitious picture. Control makes you think that you are coming together but in reality you slowly fall apart when you understand that nothing is in your control. You try to manipulate love to your favor and you end up loveless yet another year, You try to manipulate a career and yet you realize the job looked better on paper, you try to manipulate the crowd via social media in your content creations just to realize how much you hate content creation and putting on a show. Control has made me desperately fearful. I have been afraid to say yes. I have taken many safe routes all in the name of control. Control has influenced my mind to conjure up the worse outcomes when the best ones were sitting in a corner waiting for my mind’s acknowledgment.

Well my worse has happened to me and I am still alive.

I am not above trauma but boy am I over thinking about it.

I die and return everyday surely I have something else to think about. Surely my life is, not just an accumulation of bad memories , sorry habits, and generational curses ,an accumulation of sweet memories, celebration, smiling, laughing, and eating good.

Now it’s time to assume the best. I wonder how good my life can get. God, show me. I am all out of oppressing thoughts.

The mountain is you….apparently.