a glitch in the system

all you need is one scorpio friend, remembering that I'm not an NPC,

I got off from work after going through portal after portal time zone after time zone. Flying affects my body differently than it did 5 years ago when I first began. I could chop that up to my analyzes of the mind-body connection. Everyday I’m scanning my system with questions like

“Are you ok?”

“Everything is fine”

“It’s okay to feel a way about that”

“please ignore that thought”

“just breathe”

Even with my understanding and awareness of the world around me the state of my mental health is rather questionable at times. I feel odd like this outlier on the graph.

I tend to be super present at work or I dissociate. I leave for moments on end then I come back to reality (another story for another day). The minute I step off the employee bus it feels like the ultimate freedom. Let’s face it, airports are complete chaos and if you want a circus show go there. The people watching scene is amazing.

So as I began to assimilate myself back out into the world for the weekend I know that I need rest and time away from people to come back into myself. Then I realize that talking to my closest friends is fuel too and maybe I should lean on that more often because self-isolation is a comfort zone for me.

So I deviated from my normal routine and decided to call my friend Jo.

We went back and forth for 3 golden hours enduring changes in the wifi status as frequent glitches disconnected the call or did the weird circle loading thing.

It’s annoying too because call drops take away the essence of the moment

the moment is put on pause as the cell rings so we can reach each other again.

Me: Okay the last thing you said before the call drop was……..

Me: What are you gonna do when it colds in New york?

Her: idk die

Her: When you like you, you don’t give a fuck who like you.

Her: The hardest thing in the world is to know how a man is supposed to love you if you’ve never seen it.

Her: Life is simple everybody suffers you have to find a way to get over it.

Her: My family is always telling me to pick up the phone and to call but I just have no interest in being on my phone I don’t remember to call people but I do fuck with the vibe of being called.

Me: Well it’s official my role is to call and your role is to answer.

This is friendship establishing boundaries, finding means that work for you both.

We laughed so much my stomach turned. I was fully present admiring her pure scorpionic energy it is so raw that it is often misunderstood. Good because she isn’t for everybody like she would say. Her wisdom has a way of reminding me to stop stressing and be fucking chill. You only need one decent scorpio in your life to understand that life is in fact what you make it……

Did you know that laughing is a remedy of life?

Seeing right through me since our early twenties, I told her how I had been dreaming about old flings and how I cope with the lost of anything by acting like it doesn’t exist, out of site out of mind especially relationships of any kind.

Me: you know who I miss?____

Her: omg R.I.P he was a cool dude

Me: he really was, he even came back and apologized to me in November of 2018 but by that time I was done with niggas. I had just cut _____ off so yeah.

Her: Is that nigga rich or what?

Me: omg you remember all his money schemes?? lmao yeah he was something else

Her: that nigga was crazy

It didn’t even feel like I was on the phone, it felt as if we were sitting in our old living room curled up on the couch laughing out loud and throwing punches per laugh. Yes, we throw swings when we laugh because we laugh with our entire body.

We make people the victims of our joy with every punch.

I was Friday years old when I realized how important our relationship is to me and now I feel compelled to examine all of my friendships this season.

Since october began, I’m more willing to pay attention to every detail that is in front of me instead of skipping ahead to the next occupying activity. The older I get the less detached I am to the future.

I like:

looking strangers in the face with knowledge and comfort that they are someone to themselves and to their loved ones

smiling and when I see a group of people having a good time with laughter

listening to my Indian neighbors talk loudly on the phone in another language

holding conversations with a 40 something year old Dominican woman who just moved here 3 months ago

watching the ducks migrate from pond to land

noticing the bugs whirling through the wind looking for their next item to land on

letting the world in during my outside meditations instead of turning my nose up because I wanted nature to be “peace and quiet” when it’s anything but that.

I wonder are these enjoyable moments a glitch in the system????

because sometime it feels like life was designed to be strenuous with all the chasing and the hustling….prioritizing the next dollar for survivals sake instead of everything that contributes to my wellbeing.

I will continue to look for “glitches in the system” that tell me I can be well, that I can have fulfilling relationships, that I don’t have to become anything to be important, that business and school stuff can wait when i’m not okay, that I can talk on the phone with a friend for 3 hours because that’s just as important as other task.

When I get to experience moments of jubilation that are a result of simple pleasures, I remember that the game of life is crafted second by second and I am not a NPC. It’s very easy to feel like one and in fact they wouldn’t have it any other way.

with gratitude,

Tiana

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